How does doubt affect me when grief knocks on my door?
At the Poetry Friday Roundup on November 2nd, one of Tricia Stohr-Hunt's lines in her burning haibun prose struck me. "I am only moving, carrying the weight of my own doubt." I immediately paused to reflect on this thought and evening dreams (sometimes nightmares) that have been burdening me. I knew that I needed to be mindful. A mindful pause led to an intense pondering of my initial question above. With raw thoughts that fell from my heart, I quickly wrote a Golden Shovel poem using Tricia's lines below in italics as my strike line.
Thank you Patricia J. Franz for hosting this month's Spiritual Journey Thursday that focuses on doubt. I also thank you for sharing the insightful article,“The Drawer Where I Keep My Doubts” .
"Doubt, hesitation, unfinished questions, 'small hauntings'—
these aren’t failures of willpower, but the raw material of growth." -Jeff DeGraff, Professor, author, essayist
Patricia asked an excellent question.
"Where does doubt fit into your spiritual journey?"
The word, doubt, has been like a seed waiting to grow. It took root long before my husband passed away. It came and went like a roaring storm that gave no warning. Sometimes, it lingered in my mind without me knowing it. Other times, I pushed it aside when I found inspirational thoughts that gave me hope, such as the one below.
And so, friends, I am ready to move on once again, regardless of doubts that I hope to toss away. I look forward to reading your blog posts on doubt. Enjoy the coming weekend.
🍁🍃🍂
Poetry Friday Friends, I started this week excited to dig deep into my poet-author friend Laura Purdie Salas' upcoming book, Furry, Float, and Fly! It is a seasonal beauty, and I was ready to write a book review. But as life can throw some bumps in the road, my plans were taken over by grief surrounding me and my friends. I finished my Spiritual Journey blog post with good intentions, but time did not permit it. I hope to finish my review of Laura's fabulous book and have it ready for her publication date, Tuesday. Meanwhile, please visit Laura's welcome to the Poetry Friday Roundup that you can find here at her blog. Enjoy Laura's winter thoughts, NCTE presenter news, and excitement for her book's birthday day. You will also find many blogs that are filled with poetic goodness from Poetry Friday friends.
Have you listened to Anderson Cooper’s podcast on grief? It is so good! It helped me to understand that everyone is on the same path. Everyone. And there are no detours, no way off this road. Every time you write, I can feel deeply the longing you have to find hope. Your golden shovel is aptly named, a digging deep to find the next step in the journey. I look forward to giving you a good, long hug at NCTE in a few weeks.
ReplyDeleteCarol, that poem of Tricia's was so powerful, wasn't it? I can see why you chose that line for the Golden Shovel. Your poem captures well the feeling of grief.
ReplyDeleteCarol, you have excelled with these Golden Shovel poems. I am struck by the words- 'we are changed by grief.' While that is an incontestable reality, we are also required to respond to that change. Life draws us forward. We don't forget what grief has wrought, we just learn to accommodate it with the passing of time. Your introspection is obvious and your words so open and honest.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, and keep writing! Your second golden shovel is a filled with wisdom.
ReplyDeleteCarol, thank you for sharing so honestly and bravely about your journey. Walking with my widowed sister, and now my mom, I know that there is no avoiding the work of grieving. As much as any of us who love others would like to take this burden off of their shoulders, grief must be worked with, through, companioned. It may never go away. It seems like it is ours to best determine on which shelf of our life it will sit. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself, with your commitments and deadlines, and giving grief the time it needs. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThe last lines of the 2nd Golden Shovel bring me smiles, Carol, for the truth in it, no matter the time since saying goodbye. Thank you for your thoughts of doubt that touch grief.
ReplyDeleteCarol, your response to grief and doubt struck me because it is filled with hope. Hope and faith are what allows us to move on in times of sorrow and uncertainty. I believe that each time we conquer one of our doubts of fears we become a little bit stronger. Doubts may never go away, but with belief and hope we can manage them. Bob
ReplyDeleteCarol, I am always so touched by the emotion in your words. I am hoping to get back to NCTE (maybe next year?) to give you a hug in person. May you find the strength and hope you are looking for.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. You have been through so much. Your post is terribly beautiful and I wish I could wipe some of the pain and frustration away for you. I see you pressing on post by post, week by week. It's OK to pause and review the book next week. Doubt is wallop of a subject, for sure. I wasn't able to get my post for SJT done yet. I'm just plodding along telling myself to 'just keep swimming.' Hang in there for NCTE. You are sure to be surrounded by our wonderful poetry friends. Enjoy every moment. I wish I could be there.
ReplyDeleteCarol, these are wonderful. And also--IF you're able to review FLURRY in the next few weeks, that's fabulous. And if you're not, I understand. No guilt. Your response poem is fabulous, with that tiny spark of sunshine and hope to find a way to carry the burden, the doubt, the sadness. I've spent the last several days scattering ashes, going through correspondence between my mom and dad, visiting the memorial bench we had dedicated to them, telling stories with family, etc. The grief my Dad couldn't learn to live with his last 9 years really crippled his life. I want a different outcome for you, and the way you're feeling things deeply, your loss--but also the beauty you find in nature, in your family, in the immutable things like sunshine--gives ME hope. Sending love <3
ReplyDeleteI am with you every step of the way as you write. I was just having the same conversation with a colleague this past week. Twice at work over the past couple of months, I have been told to "smile more." Well-intentioned ribbing can often send me right over the edge, and missed no opportunity to say, "Well, I'm working on that.....my smile left in June and makes brief appearances from time to time, but keep watching for it." Until people have dealt with grief, they don't know the gutted feeling and how it can come roaring back like you said - - just unexpected. Your poems show the determination to persevere in the face of grief, despite its heavy weight on the soul. I wish I could be there to sip tea with you and read poems - I find poetry to be the balm I need. I can't wait to read your friend's blog and will go there this morning. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI know it must be a hard time, Carol. I hope your writing and your spiritual journey help you. I love that you find comfort in trees and nature and the beauty around you, beauty that you share with others. The DeGraff quote is a good one.
ReplyDeleteGrief is stealthy, entering and leaving at such unpredictable times. Your poems capture its mercurial nature, the way it darts in and out and rattles us so intensely in so many ways. Grief breeds doubt, doubt can bring grief, and we have to wrestle with all of it. Thanks for sharing so honestly, Carol.
ReplyDeleteCarol, Your words are both apt and beautiful - searching - wondering. So many of us in our Poetry Friday Community have lost loved ones in the few years. I am sure we can all relate to doubt and grief. God knows, I can. Doubt nags and Grief returns, both again and again. Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts with us. We care about you - I hope you can see that from these responses. Take care and be gentle with yourself. Hugs.
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